fogparty

tatt-le tale...

i headed down for my "simulation" yesterday.

probably the normal stuff for people preparing for radiation.  just new to me.  everything went smoothly and they said my incision is healing nicely... so i'm good to go.

i was a little surprised though.  in order for them to keep a reference point for targeting the exact area to radiate... they tattooed me!

and... i'm a little disappointed, to be honest.

i mean.  i always thought my first tattoo would be something memorable... like "mom" or some cool picture of... ...something cool.

instead... i get 3 tiny dots... like freckles.

what am i supposed to do with that?

they're not close enough to make an image of a bowling ball once treatment's over or anything.  they're even too far apart to form some grand constellation.

just little black dots that my grandkids will probably notice sometime when i've fallen asleep at the beach.  "hey, granny beth!  what are these black dots on grandpapa?"

oh well.  i've got six & a half weeks of radiation before they become totally meaningless.

my friend "tim" once asked what the 3 littles dots mean that i use frequently when i post to my blog.  you know those "..." things i substitute for commas from time to time?

anyway... no one had ever asked me that question before... so i told him they represent the trinity (because it just came out of my mouth... and you know how super spiritual i am all the time.)

anyway...

maybe i'll just tell my grandkids they represent the trinity.

no... that's dumb.

i mean... tim may fall for it... but my grandkids will be much too smart for that.

radiation starts wednesday of next week.  i guess i know what i'll be thinking about during treatment.

sketching Jesus...

a while back i posted some "part one" thoughts from luke 4... the temptation of Jesus.  i had more in my mind at the time, but wasn't ready to spill it yet.  but often when i let scripture marinate, G*D has a way of placing the important stuff back on the front burner at just the right time.

anyway... in my "luke four-ensics" post, i focused on the thought that we rarely contemplate how much the humanness of Jesus affected him.  i'd like to take that thought one step further.  in fact, i think this passage invites us to flirt with the idea that just maybe Jesus had a hefty journey before he could slip into his "last-3-years-of-life" role as The Son of G*D.

i don't think i'm committing heresy when i suggest that Jesus wasn't born completely understanding his unique part in the bigger story.  nor do i think he just woke-up one day and realized he was different from everyone else in history.  we all grow into our roles, don't we?  even princes born into royalty must decide whether or not they will choose to live as royalty and embrace the responsibilities of the throne.  do we really think Jesus had any less of a journey toward grasping the true nature of all that G*D was calling him to be & do?

Jesus' story from beginning to the very end... (as in the garden before his crucifixion... and even on the cross itself)... was laced with choices that reguired him to decide whether or not he would follow G*D & his path or take the much easier route.  his GODness didn't negate that his man-ness had to choose.

we don't really have adequate ways of speaking about all this, of course.  the mystery of how someone can be fully G*D and at the same time fully man is forever beyond our comprehension.  but shouldn't that encourage us to gingerly consider the practicalities of the inconceivable?  (which is what i believe luke is inviting us to do.)

i'm thinking that much of what really is going on in the desert temptation account is the story of what happened as Jesus fully embraced his imago dei-ness and his GODness... his unique leading role as manGOD... the natural result of which was to be tested in that decision by the ultimate test-expert who hoped beyond hope to subvert the plan.

so... plug that reality into luke 4... and reconsider the devil's enticement... and see if it doesn't make it more powerful.

1.  "if you are the Son of G*D, tell this stone to become bread."
2.  "if you worship me, it will all be yours."
3.  "if you are the Son of G*D, throw yourself down from here."

how are these questions such big temptations unless they tug at the very core of Jesus' consciousness?  ...surely not simply because Jesus was starving for food, making satan's words somehow more threatening... as i was always taught to understand them.  it can only be because the devil was truly trying to get Jesus to either reject or abuse his divinity and divert him from any plan he might have to redeem creation.

still not convinced?

then consider luke's unique bookends to this temptation story.

on the left is Jesus' baptism story.  ever notice that in luke's version, he records G*D's post-baptism words as if they are addressed to Jesus?  "you are my Son, whom i love; with you i am well pleased."  not "this is my Son." why is luke the only version to record it this way?  and what would be the purpose of G*D saying this to Jesus unless he somehow needed to hear it?  if it was for the benefit of those watching, then "this" would have been more appropriate.

plus... isn't it fascinating that what luke writes next is a genealogy of Jesus' adopted human lineage through joseph.  (whose blood didn't even flow through Jesus' veins!)  why would he do that?  could he be pointing us to consider something?  i find it fascinating that the geneology begins with the words "he was the son, so it was thought, of joseph," and ends with "the son of adam, the son of G*D".  was luke chuckling with cleverness as he penned those words?  at the very least they remind us that even though Jesus wasn't just a man, he spent his first 30 years as one.

on the right of the temptation account... is the story of Jesus heading to his hometown and facing the comments & criticism from the very people who watched him grow up.  people who for three decades had considered him only to be "the son of joseph".  from my perspective... this is just as huge of a temptation as the one in the desert!  to stand in front of relatives and teachers and the community and come out as someone different/more than they've known you to be for years upon years?... a man from G*D at the very least?... the prophesied messiah?

tough stuff.

and did you ever notice that luke mentions twice that Jesus grew... once "in strength" and once "in wisdom and stature and in favor with G*D and men."?  luke is the only one who gives us the insight of a developing Jesus... a concept that is typically uncomfortable for christians.

so... why is all this important?

i've got my ideas.  but i'd love to hear anyone's thoughts before i do all the thinking for you. 

i don't usually write posts for the purpose of interacting with people... which is why i rarely respond to "comments".  but if you've got some ideas or would simply like to tell me i'm whacked... post a comment below... or send your thoughts in an email to randyshaf@aol.com .  either way... i promise i'll respond.

isn't this about plan 'q'?

so... i've just been sitting around healing.  not doing much else.  trying to avoid those "you're over doing it" glares from beth.

stitches came out last week.  they'd told me to be moving my arm as much as possible before they came out so that i could go easy on the incision once the stitches were gone.  they don't want it opening up and running the risk of being forced to wait longer for radiation to start.  dr. sabel was pleased with the outcome and glad to see he hadn't damaged any significant nerves.  (not as glad as i was!)

tuesday i head to the lymphedema clinic for some preventative training.  i'm looking forward to that.  i have very slight swelling in my right arm, but at times it's a bit uncomfortable.  nothing i can't easily handle though, so i'm not complaining.  however... no sense in it getting worse if there are some little exercises i can be doing to help.

then wednesday i finally have my appointment with radiation oncology so they can do their prep ct thingy.  they say that treatment begins about a week later. 

it will be nice to have a plan in motion... and to be working the plan.

this whole thing is going so differently than i anticipated when i started my medical leave.  i thought i'd be having only 2 weeks of radiation and then jumping into the really yukky stuff with the high-dose il-2.  but now that radiation has been extended to 6.5 weeks... my doc is holding his cards a little more closely about what we'll do after radiation. 

i guess he's not really hiding anything though.  he just wants to see where we land before he makes a call.  and that's one of the things i like about him.  he doesn't go by the book.  he thinks every step through carefully.

since good ol' dad's feeling so well, the kids are begging for our usual "minute-after-midnight" showing for the next "gotta-see-together-before-anyone-else-does" movie to come out later this week... narnia - prince caspian.

hope it's good.

ian's prom...

i'm not sure if life is slowing down or speeding up.

either way you look at it... this was a crazy weekend.

ian's senior prom was saturday night... and his romantic side came out strong.

flowers at kelsey's home when she woke up... flowers at the hair-dressers... flowers when he picked her up in the hummer. (thanks brandon!)

he's a good guy.

graduation is in 2 weeks.  open house in 3.

maybe life will slow down in june.

maybe not.

(as always... click on any image to see it larger)

photo op...

since i'm an equal opportunity photografather... and since both musicals have had their final performances... i thought i'd seize the jpegs.

which means...

...you'll find more pictures of "state fair" on the sidebar.

...and just below you'll find the short youtube video i took with my "flip" on opening night of "babes in arms"  (directed by greg ganakas & choreographed by randy skinner).   it shows a few clips from various scenes that jenn was in.

...and finally... here's a random collection of movie clips from ian & emma in "state fair".

the interesting thing about the collision of these two musicals with my midwest past is how they both remind me of a bit of my personal history.  no... i wasn't around when they were first written.  but i did spend a "fair" amount of time each year at the county 4-h fair.  mostly in the barn playing cards with my friends & cousins between groomings for their prize-hopeful, four-legged, soon-to-be-butchered-and-bring-them-lots-of-money friends. 

i think i only remember heading to indy for the state fair once though.  probably because those purple "grand champion" ribbons never seemed to find their way to any of my boards displaying my brownie hawkeye black & whites, instamatic color prints... or variety of fish or fowl on the list for my wild-life project that year. (i won the "instamatic with the cool flashcubes by selling magazines to all my relatives!)

 

lots of good memories.

and... strangely enough... those county fair experiences encouraged some good stuff that to this day add special seasoning to my life.

so... even though some might look at these musicals as reminders of a hokey-pokey time in america's history... sure, i can laugh at the good old days... and sure, all of them weren't that good.  but... i often find myself wishing my kids had a bit more of those hometown experiences to season their lives as well.

so... maybe my pictures will help my kids some day remember a bit of my history... woven into a bit of their own.

fascinating reading...

in prep for my initial radiation oncology appointment today... they asked for a list of all the dates & docs for my various surgeries, including biopsies.  we could reconstruct the surgery list pretty easily... but the biopsy one wasn't something we'd been tracking.

from time to time we've asked docs for copies of different reports that have been produced concerning emma or myself... mostly pathology.  they've always been very cooperative.  so... asking them to print out the dates of all my proceedures was no biggie.

but in the process, i decided to ask for something i've never asked for before.  that being... operative notes. 

i figured the worst they could do was laugh loudly...  or nervously...  and say "no."

but as has become standard fare at u of m... they just said "sure.  no problem."

so... while beth drove us home from a recent appointment, i enjoyed wading through the medical jargon to envision a bit about what went on between intubation and sponge counts.

hearing about how they slice and dice... identify nerves... verify which nerve is which by making me do various circus tricks... blah, blah, blah... was all intriguing to me for some reason... even reassuring in some strange way.

i was a bit disappointed, though, to find out they don't include the jokes the surgeons told... the embarrassing questions they asked me under anesthesia... or the music in the cd player while the scapel glided through my latissimus dorsi.

the latest surgery notes weren't ready yet.  but i'll ask for them tomorrow when i return to say good-bye to my drain-buddy.

odd. 

it's like i'm waiting for the next book in a series.  (obviously i don't read many serial books!)

i'm curious though.  a day or two after we were home from surgery... i noticed this huge patch of shaved skin on my right thigh.  our amazing nurse practicioner, roxanne, verified they were preparing to do a skin graph because they were concerned they wouldn't have enough skin left in my armpit to close the wound and keep it closed until it healed... or that if they did, it would be so tight i'd never be able to raise my arm high enough to pick my nose.  (a tragic thought indeed!) 

but... evidently they made it work some how.  i'm glad no one reminded them i'd still have a good left hand.  but who picks their nose with their left hand?  that's just weird.

anyway... so, no graph.

i wonder.

when you move skin from your thigh to your armpit... does it naturally grow armpit hair?  or would i need therapy?  would i still need to use deodorant?  and if i wanted to strengthen that arm, could i use a thigh-master?

hmmm...

maybe it will all be in the notes.

can't wait.

nice touch...

oh... i almost forgot.

while in the hospital... i got a special delivery.

no... it wasn't flowers... or candy... or even one of those singing cards.

a while back i posted about a study that showed those lemons your restaurant server places on the side of your glass... or floating in our freshly ordered water or ice tea... are filled with unbelievable stuff.

stuff that you & i end up drinking or touching our lips to.

so...

someone...

...thinking of me in my time of need...

...when i was at my lowest...

...had the cafeteria send these down to my bedside.

 

notice they're still in the little plastic container.

i have the best of friends.

so thoughtful.

chutes & ladders...

last week was one of those up & down weeks.

surgery & the next couple days were better than i expected.  i really didn't feel bad at all and told "lolly" my night-shift nurse not to bother waking me to give me any pain-killers.  but i should have clued in that i was starting down "cocky lane" when she replied, "mr. shafer, it's been less than 24-hours since your surgery and these meds aren't habit-forming. sooooo... if you really want to stop taking them now, that's your call.  but you might consider at least waiting until you've been home a day or two before you go off of them."

and you'd think by now that i'd have learned to listen to my wife's warnings that i might be over-doing it... needed more rest... shouldn't be driving... and "why in the world are you pulling weeds from the flower bed!?!?"

but i felt great.

even when the bon-voyage package my surgeon hand-stitched to my body began to malfunction on wednesday... i still managed to convince my lady that i'd be fine driving myself to ann arbor for that spontaneous thursday appointment to get things back in working order.  and i was!

and of course, i couldn't miss opening night of the play...

and i had to return the next night to video tape our fabulous kids.

sure... maybe i was starting to feel a bit punkish... but... i wasn't doing anything that felt that uncomfortable... at least initially.  "is it hot in here or is it just me?"  "hmmm... maybe i'll just stay until the big "i-o-way" number after the intermission." 

of course... later that night... "honey... where's that number for the after-hours surgical oncologist?" 

so... an all night trip to the e.r., and as we're driving home around 5 the next morning... (beth want's it made clear that i spent the time in a bed... while she got the chair)... and after the "you-need-to-at-least-act-like-you-had-surgery-this-week" lecture... i kinda began to think maybe she had a point.

did i get this skull density from the shafer side... or the campbell side?

makes sense that just maybe part of the reason this surgery didn't feel anything close to the last 4 was because it was the 5th one in the same area and all the nerves in that area left for vegas a long time ago.

anyway... the antibiotic seems to be clearing-up whatever internal infection was attacking my body...  my drain-buddy is working fine again... and life is good.

"yes dear.  i promise i'll behave."

i will say this.  that trip to foote's new emergency room proved once again that i've got a golden wife.  as if i needed more proof.

watching her walk across the room to help an elderly lady with an injured hand who was struggling to open a bottle of water... watching her love on the baby of a young mom who was waiting for her child to be seen... finally in a room and waking up to the sound of her voice outside my door, thanking the head nurse for the special 4 a.m. tour of the entire new facility (whom she just happened to run into as she was stretching her legs... after sitting in that dang chair for so long).

that's my wife.  no such thing as a stranger or someone unworthy of a little love.

yep... i guess i'll keep her.

peacocking in parma...

ian & emma have been tearing up the stage at western high school this week.  they've been part of the cast of "state fair", an old musical set at the 1937 iowa, you guessed it... state fair. 

ian scored one of the leads... and plays the part of "wayne", a farm boy who becomes enchanted by a showgirl and temporarily diverted from his life-long love waiting for him back home.  there are a lot of students from westwinds in the production... which makes it even more fun.  and ian's girlfriend plays the role of his sister.  kelsey has a lot of songs and does a wonderful job.

the musical is a lot of fun... and the kids all worked very hard; but i must say that ian was the surprise for me.  he's a natural. emma too for that matter.  she knows how to spice up a freshman chorus part better than most i've ever seen.  i'm sure she's got a lot of high school performances ahead of her.  but watching ian on stage for his first production was like watching him climb into his own skin.  he seemed so comfortable.  his character didn't feel forced or contrived.  it was just him.

and his singing was great too.  some of the songs had quite the range... but he nailed the notes, whether low or high.  i was so proud.  i'm not sure he's got acting in his blood like his older sister, but i'd be surprised if the bug hasn't bitten him on some level.  i guess as a parent, we never know how these experiences translate into life.

ian's had quite a spring... and i'm proud of him for hanging in there with all he's had going on.  he's learned some hard lessons about appropriate levels of commitment and life pace. 

maybe he should teach me some of them.

which reminds me of a thought i had a few months back during a time in which things had been a bit strained between me & ian.  we're usually very close.  but it just seemed that i couldn't do anything right... and he couldn't make me happy either.  then i remembered that tension was strangely like what jenn & i experienced during the last semester of her own senior year.  hmmm. 

since then things have been a bit better... or at least we better understand some of the dynamics going on... him wanting to get away from mom & dad... and us wanting to hold on to our baby-in-a-man's body.

shortly after that realization... a thought came to mind while i was driving.  (i wrote it down because i knew i'd forget it if i didn't).  it's actually kind of a prayer.

may i never expect his young heart to carry all the wisdom i've gained through my many years and experiences... ...but may i also remember that he is learning things i have forgotten or have yet to grasp.

observations from the observation unit...

warning... rambling middle of the night post from a man on pain-killers ahead.  bottom-line: i'm doing well... really well.

it's late.  but i woke up just before they came in to take my vitals and give my meds... and i've got these thoughts running through my head.

it's been a great day in every sense of the word. 

"great" because i've lived it aware of the grace & love that presses against every inch of my skin... and that i swallow with every breath. 

all because of...

...The Kind Prosthetic who enables me to enjoy LIFE...
...a wonderful, as well as inside & out beautiful, wife who brings me green tea & candy bars (even though she refuses to allow me to win more than 1-in-3 games of double-solitaire) while we pass the time in this curtain-walled cubby-hole... 
...three loving kids who call me and cheer me on...
...family on both sides who send waves of support...
...and friends close & far whose knees mention our names to Our Eager King.

the day has gone so much better than it could've.  i am truly amazed with how i felt coming out of surgery.  so different from the other times.

i haven't talked with dr. sabel directly, but beth takes pages & pages of notes every time a white coat comes within ten feet.  she knows all too well that i have lots of questions when i wake up in post-op... especially knowing she's already seen the doc.  he was pleasantly surprised to discover the tumor was not attached to the right axillary vein.  that is the best news of the day.  it doesn't mean that i won't end up with lymphadema... but it does mean that i'm not guaranteed to get it.  radiation will still likely bring it on... but hopefully with less severity than if the vein had been compromised during the surgery.  but we're not on that bridge yet.

in a few weeks i'll begin radiation to eradicate whatever melanoma cells the surgeon couldn't get.  they're now considering lightening the intensity of the individual treatments... but greatly lengthening the number of treatments.  i'll know more soon.  but it won't all begin until i've healed a bit.  of course they're trying to make it as effective as possible while causing as little damage as possible.  they keep telling me they're being aggressive... and i appreciate that... even though i'm sure there will be some days when i'll disagree with my own optimism.

it looks like i'm going to be able to get the treatments close to home... which will be huge considering the pumps are at $3.69/gallon and taunt us to go over 4 soon.

my friend (who also happens to be my oncologist) stopped in to check on me later in the day.  and after we got past all the medical stuff... we had a great time catching up on life beyond research & hand-sanitizer.  i'm continually thankful for his wisdom & wit... and that he's my cancer doc of choice.

after a dinner detour... (thankfully we cut off the nurse right before she lifted the cover from the baked fish beneath!  that was a cruel joke G*D!  but i managed to keep it together until a burger arrived)...

...beth and i walked into the lobby so i could call the kids.  we picked just the right grouping of chairs and found a buck-seventy-eight in change that had no-doubt fallen out of someone's pocket.  score! 

3 calls to the 3 cell phones was better than any pain med.  these are challenging days for each one of them, but loving them through their struggles helps bring some normalcy to all the craziness.  but sometimes i get more than a bit concerned with all the things their young hearts carry.  trusting G*D to be with them as he has with me is my greatest comfort.

today jenn had her first meeting with the director of 'cabaret' for next fall.  i can already see that the role & play are going to be a huge opportunity for G*D to stretch and form her in fascinating ways.  i can't wait.  yet, it's not going to be easy. 

but few journeys are.

the man through the curtain on my left is not having such an easy go of it.  at first i was concerned that he'd keep me awake all night with his low-toned groans and whispered expletives.  but then i remembered how G*D has gifted me with the ability to pretty much sleep anywhere, anytime... and of the privilege i have of praying for him through those times he might trip me out of my slumber.  it's kind of nice to be less absorbed with my own issues for once... at least enough to think of others.

my nurse's name is "lolly"...  and she's very sweet.  she doesn't bug me... just "pop" in from time to time.

looking over this post... i remember that sometimes people read these posts and tell me they are amazed at my ability to be so optimistic & spiritually-minded while facing hardship.  (they obviously haven't read the darth vader posts).  if the truth be told... tonight is just one of those times when G*D's set me up for good stuff in spite of myself.  after all, tons of people are praying for me... and like i said earlier, i'm surrounded by an incredible support system.

but tonight i have proof for you skeptics. 

1.  my wife's name is "beth"... which means "house of G*D."
2.  my surgeon is named after the archangel, "michael" meaning "who is like G*D".
3.  my oncologist's name is "christopher" meaning "christ-bearer".
4.  my nurse's name is "lolly"... but her real name is "loyola".  (st. ignatius)
5.  and my nurse tech's name is "jerusalem".

no joke!

i know it's all a bit silly... and doesn't really mean anything. 

yet... i'm glad the silly-ness can sometimes remind me of the reality that i'm too often blind to... ...that being...

once again i've been set up... ...and truly blessed.